Robert E. Graham's Everyday Supernatural The Kit E Kat Picky Une |
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Parkside, Pennsylvania: 11 A.M.. EDT. An extreme violation of the Kit E Kat compact. Late this morning we received a stunning report. Regina Pettina of Parkside reported that her tail-less servant subjected her to the indignity of a failed attempt of wetting her. As a further indignity the fur-less one subjected her to a second attempt. A second attempt also failed but, in the process Ms. Pettina was soaked to the skin on her underside. The problem started this morning when Ms. Pettina returned from her morning rounds. The two-legged fur-less servant had the effrontery to suggest she was incapable of cleaning herself. This creature suggested it would be to Ms.Pettina’s benefit to allow the human to wash her. Then the tail-less wonder tried holding Ms. Pettina in the human wetting apparatus. Ms. Pettina escaped through the judicious use or her front claws. Plus the threat of extreme use of her back claws. That method’s effectiveness having been shown to check fur-less transgressions. However, Mr. Graham, (dare we grace him with such an honorarium), attempted a second wetting. Ms. Pettina again escaped through her superior agility, and threatened use of claws. The human in a conciliatory gesture approached Ms Pettina, and offered to excise the offending wet matter. It used one of those strange patches that humans like. The ones they use after they have (yuck) wet themselves. A blatant effort to Ms Pettina. She punctuated her point by leaving the domicile via her personal and accustomed portal. She then resumed her lounging beneath the solar disk. Ms. Pettina, in a gesture of magnanimity possible only for Kats of the first order returned after an unsuccessful hunt. She then accepted the human food offering. Ms Pettina, in a further gesture has reported to our investigator that she will seek no sanctions against the offending human at this time. The human gave the usual "It was for her own good excuse." Bulletin: Serenity Alert. Lately we at the Kit E. Kat Picky Une have received several disturbing reports of Felines having their serenity stirred by humans. The offending tail-less creatures have been leaving the den without permission of the residents. Should your human display such tendencies contacts us immediately. We will send an investigator. Reports of this behavior have recently surfaced in Pennsylvania. Early last evening, we dispatched an investigator to the scene of the disturbance. No felines were available, so the residents graciously deigned to allow a human to review the case. The facts: the human servant did in fact leave the residence for a period exceeding three risings of the solar disk. A nearly unforgivable breach of the treaty we have with our servants. Via telepathic rapport, the tail-less one reported that slipshod arrangements. An affront to feline serenity. However, in its report our investigator cited overall comfortable conditions. Nevertheless, can you really take the word of a creature without fur. It seems even our exalted selves must sometimes endure minor discomforts. I ask you what is this world coming to? How much two-legged arrogance must we felines endure? Kit E. Kat Tip: This from Jason, Jason resides in Parkside, Pa., with the earlier mentioned Regina and the disreputable fur-less. It calls its self Graham. What kind of sound is that. If your human servant’s offerings are substandard or the servant fails to provide sufficient variety try this. Lick your fur for at least an hour and disgorge a large hairball. Make sure you do this in an area where the servant will step. It’s best if you do this just before the servant awakes. It will be without those devices they put on their feet. The servant will therefore suffer the same loss of serenity as your noble self.
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 Dear
Gentlekitties:
This is story of a near astonishing event. It starts like any other story. Regina Petina, well known Gentlekitty, brought a grave matter before the Council. It seems Ms.Petina aspires to the august rank of Fat Cat. However, Gentlekitties, Ms. Petina's human servant refused (Can you believe it?) to serve her enough food. I ask you, how is a gentlecat to increase her girth without prodigious amounts of food? The human servant's answer to Ms. Petina's demand for sufficient nourishment brought Ms. Petina close to apoplexy. He suggested, through mouth sounds and mind pictures, that Ms Petina actually eat some of the prey she catches. Could anything be more absurd? All gentlecats know that prey is for playing cat and mouse. How dare this thing suggest such a course to a gentlekitty! My whiskers tremble all the way to the ends at such a preposterous suggestion. To add more insult to the issue, the servant (Is it even intelligent enough to be called human?) ordered the affronted dignitary to seek sustenance in one of the other hovels the humans make available to her. Much too much! No gentlecat should have to suffer scorn. Ms Petina took the only course left. She brought the matter to the council.The council convened post haste. The gravity of the matter overweighed all. The decision was unanimous. Bring the creature to stand before the council. The specific charge... Denying a Gentlecat the opportunity to advance her rank. The penalty, should the servant be found guilty, (Has a human ever been exonerated?) Revocation of Kitty Cat Tolerance. As all gentlecats know, hearings before the council are usually brief. The council hears the charges and gives the human a few words to defend itself. The outcome of this matter could hardly be in doubt. Many kitties came to give testimony on behalf of Ms. Petina. Gentlekitties sat haunch to haunch. Cat fights almost broke out. Yes, the room was that crowded. If any gentlecat would testify in its behalf, the human could get off with a plea bargain. The penalty then could then be reduced to censure. But, what gentlecat would come forward to help a creature such as this? Now gentlekitties, comes the moment that stunned all of Catdom. Great Gray, the fattest of Fat Cats on the Council spoke. "Creature, if you have anything to say in your behalf, you may speak. Let it not be said the Great Council of Gentlecats is biased. You may have two paws worth of sounds". And here gentlekitties, I must ask your indulgence. Had I not been there, I would never print these next words. The gall of this creature! It said, and I quote: "I summon The Cheshire Cat." Well, after the hearing, some gentlekitties had to be treated for shock. This was too much. But what I have to tell you next is neigh unto a miracle.
Slowly, starting with a grin and then a pair of ears, a face took shape high up in the Council chamber. There could be no doubt. It could only be The Cheshire. A gentlekitty so sublime some of us had, until this minute refused to accept its existence. Well, as you know, appearance of the Cheshire is cause for dismissal of charges. How were we to know?! The human servant walked out of the chamber cleared of all charges.
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